Part 2: The Cost of Being a Woman

   I was hoping I had good news to share, but only bad.  I found out last night that I lost the baby.  Last night and half of today I was a mess.  Today I have come more to peace with it.  Well everytime I think about it I start to tear up, but I am not sobbing uncontrollably anymore.  So I did the right thing and talked to the dad.  The dad who wanted a child so bad, but never called to see how I was.  I truly believe that there may be some good men out there, but I do not think I will ever find what I am looking for.  This man I did care for and I guess being pregnant for 6 weeks and not knowing why I was acting crazy messed it up, but it is funny how people show their true sides later on after everything quits being so fun.  Anyway……….everytime I look at this situation it is like a big slap in the face.  I had two long term relationships where I never used anything.  I wanted a baby and they didn’t care enough to slip on a condom so be it.  Not one time in 7 years did I get pregnant.  One of the guys has had close to a baseball team since.  SO after a surgery that I had where they removed a tube and an ovary and troubled pregnancies, I really did not think it was possible for me to get pregnant.  This year I was on the fence to try or to let it go.  I had finally ended up on the side to let it go and then I end up pegnant.  After I have told my kids, close friends, and family I start having a small amount of spotting, but the pain.  The pain would not stop.  So last night I had to go and have my HCG levels rechecked.  They had dropped which meant baby was not viable for life or dead.  Anyway…after me crying like a crazy person and my 12 year old holding me saying it will be ok, they rn a battery of test because I was not heavily bleeding or passing anything.  Finally at about 130 am we arrive home and I have to get up for school in 4 hours.  I cry myself to sleep get up take the test I have to take and get the hell outta there.  After taking a nap i go to the bathroom and all has begun.  So no baby for sure(I could always hope that docs were wrong).  I screamed at God for a little while because why do this to me?  I do not understand and I pretty much wana throw in the towel with a month of Nursing school left.  I have a huge bill Wednesday that has to be paid.  WIth all the rain and problems I had last week I have barely worked.  Rent is about to be due and I honestly can not handle much more.

     Everyone wants to tell me how strong I am and always have been and they are right, but that is over at this point.  My boys birthdays are both coming up and I feel helpless and alone.  Everyone wants to say your not alone, but I am laying here alone grieving the loss of my child that I had aleady picked out names for.  I will pay the hospital bills cuz o boy couldn’t wait for me to tell him to lose my number.  I am sure he had no intentions of helping or contributing to this baby.  Which would have been fine after school I will need the help of no one.  What I don’t get?  I am one laying here crying, typing for whoever cares to see, feeling like my guts are being yanked out.  Yes this is extremely painful.  He has not lost any days of work, sleep, or gathered about 1500 in hospital bills.  i do not like him one bit.  To me he is the lowest creature on earth.  You know he could have called me and told me he had kidney stones and I would have ran to his side for know other reason than I am that good of a friend and no1 should be alone when they are suffering.  I guess reality is you are alone when you are in pain.  i really only want my kids around and then again I do not want tem to see me like this.  I dont know.  As of rigt now i feel like my entire world has crumbled apart.  So I am jsut going to focus on coming up with 180 bucks by Wednesday and trying to enjoy my birthday Friday.  My main focus is going back on school and God willing I haven’t screwed my grades beyond repair.  I just can not believe I let this happen to me and the two people that should have cared and checked on me were the two that never called.  LOL….guess you get humbled in some way everyday in your life.  I need a credit card.  That way I can pay all the crap I need to pay and go by myself something pretty!! lol…..Thank you es husband for making sure you ruined what you could of mine!!!!!

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Praying For the Best!!!!

   Well I told a friend I would keep blogging and I do have some news so I will share what I can.  Last Friday, I found out I was pregnant.  At first all I could do was cry for 36 hours straight. lol.  Then I thought this is something I wanted for so long.  SO by Sunday I was keeping this baby. By Monday I was having an abortion and the last few days have been hell.  I had to go to the ER Thursday and  the put me on bed rest for an entire week.  Um I can only do 3 days of this. Tomorrow night I have to go back and have my HCG level rechecked if it goes up I am havng a baby.  If it goes doen the baby is not viable for life.  Everytime I think about it I wana cry.  I wana cry that I told everyone interfered in their lives my boys are so excited and then it may not make it.  I wana cry because apparently I have no man to count on in this.  I mean if you can’t count on the father to send some money or to put gas in your car when you were the one always picking him up….I can not count on him to be here for me right now.  There is so much more to this story and I will update tomorrow .  I am just very tired now.

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At My Wits End………

 You know the moment you realize you’re in love and you smile for no reason and say those silly words “No! I love you more.”  The only place you wanna be is in his arms where its warm and delicious and you feel safe and you hate knowing that reality will come swooping in and take you away from each other?  That is where I am.  And then I am also in he will break your heart, you’re not good enough for him, maybe he is some sicko with a past and you will be his next victim.  And I should just focus on my self and my family, but I really want him there too and he says he wants to be a part of it, but does he really?  Maybe he has a wife in every state….all kinds of babies and I won’t find out until I am head over heels and then I will be a stupid woman and want to fight for this man who has done nothing but lie and break my heart.  That is where one side of my head has been for the past week.

The other side of my head?  WTF did I go back to school.  Because I was lost in life? still am.  Because I needed a better job? still do.  Because I wanted to go half nuts?  ding ding ding we hae a winner.  I mean I have been a single mom forever and have always stressed about paying my bills, but now I am at desperate level of stressing about bills.  You know when you think of whoring yourself out on Craig’s List, but I really do not know going rate for a blow job and my luck I would get arrested first try to then kiss my soon to be Nursing License good-bye.  Honestly, if I don’t get everything figured out soon I will be living in my car….not to bad for me but for the kids…the trunk is not much of a place for sleepover.  I would love to say I honestly have somewhere to go, but not really.  I could go to a friends, but not without the risk of us killing each other and all my friends are married.  My mom is out of the option because I can come kids must stay at their dads.  I know its jacked up, but o well.  Add food, gas, elec, toll, and everything else and I would like to drive my car off a revine, but i can not afford life insurance to leave my babies so life is my only option at this point.  So I am sure it will all work out.  Hopefully I will lose 15 lbs on the way to discovery because I am so nervous and stressed right now that if I try to put anything in my mouth I wanna vomit. 

   So I said I am in love…yes I really am.  He is beautiful, smart, strong, warm….pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I freaked at the thought of it when it entered my heart and panicked and now I think I am good with it.  Who knows what will happen.  I would say well this is my life I know exactly what is going to happen, but I actually want this to work.  I miss his arms when I am not laying in them.  I miss him so I guess I will ride this one out.  And here the kink is thrown.

     So tonight I get a phone call from my ex boyfriends mother.  Long story…we dated he is a quadriplegic and I just could not sacrifice my life for someone who I would be constantly caring for.  Sound selfish.  Yes I know, but it is harder than what ya would think.  Anyway I got a call from him last week.  He was goin to hospital has a wound with MRSA in it.  I went to see him after clinicals the next day.  I know he loves me and wants to be back together….you can tell he loves you just by looking at him.  You never wonder, but he deserves to be loved that way back and there were other reasons besides the big one I gave.  Anyway I have known him since I was 12 years old.  So his mother calls and he is now in ICU.  A little bitty problem turned into a HUGE problem and they almost lost him.  Yes I am going back to see him.  He is my friend and I will always be his friend.  As much as I wanna tell him I am in love and happy I so do not wanna hurt him, but I do not want him to think that this is more than a friend stopping by.  God bless him.  He is a good man and deserves the best ever.  It is not fair that someone so gorgeous, full of life, and kind loss complete feeling of their body at the age of 17, but to be going through this at 35 just kills my heart.  I wish and pray for him everything his heart desires besides me. 

   Here is my selfish shitty part:  Can I not have a good fucking day without the world counteracting it with bad?  Can I not just fall in love with confidence and beauty and know that hey this one is gonna do the work he is the one that will be there when the dust settles.  I mean when does kindness take a backseat to me?  I know it sounds ugly, but I am tired and I am really tired of everyone elses problems,  I do not feel like saving your marriage tonight!  I couldn’t save my own.  Your moms sick, mines fucking crazy.   Your car insurance is due. Ha at least you have it!!  Aw poor girl your nail chipped:( grow the fuck up.  Be thankful you have 30 bucks to get em done.  I know how mean I sound I don’t care.  I am sick of bein everyone’s rock!  When I need one they all flake.  So here is my I don’t give a fuck!!!  It is my turn to lean on someone.  Someone who can save me….if that even exist!

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Who Am I????

I can tell you some of the things that make up me.  I am a mother, I am a student, I am a daughter, I am a sister.  These are just different titles.  No where in those do I find myself.  I love my kids they are my world, but they are not me nor am I them.  We all three will have different paths to follow.  I have to find where mine goes. 

I know one day I would like to be in love again.  You know that kind that starts with butterflies in your belly and grows to more?  Someone to be your team mate to be on your side when no one else is, but not just anyone will do.  I wanna feel the love….see the smile on my face.  I wanna be taken care of held, adored, protected, all of it!!!  I just do not know how to get past the pain from years earlier that reeks havoc in my soul.  God I loved this man.  He was 1/3 of my world.  Nothing to special about him, but I loved him.  He killed everything in me he could.  A little each day.  We became pregnant.  He wasn’t ready for a child so we chose to abort it.  I know this sounds awful, but smartest thing I have ever done.  This man abused me to no ends.  Punched me while driving, pouring Dr. Pepper with cigs in it over top of my head, he banged my head on every part of that apartment we shared.  This is just a small example.  I am not one of those whiney girls and yes I do not know when I will ever forgive myself for allowing a monster in my house.  I do not know if I will ever forgive God either.  I deserved better than that then.  My heart is no longer trust worthy to me because it allowed me to love someone who tortured me.  Someone who apparently hated me so much, but would not let me go. 

Not all was bad.  In the beginning he loved me with so much excitement and awe for me that I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive.  Even after the first few times, I knew better, but he said it was my fault, or I was trying to kick him out of his home.  I don’t remember anymore.  I don’t know why I did that for so long.  What makes it worse to me…he has moved on…he has the same crazy life from girl to girl, but me…i am tainted, destroyed, dead on the inside.  I do not feel in the same way I use to.  Somedays it will show itself (my heart) then my brain must whisper no not again.  Shes not ready.  Now I am just sooo pissed because I am ready.  No one had the right to take any of who I am away.  To kill my soul, my happiness, my trust in humanity, my longing for my true love.  I don’t know how to get any of this back.  I would like to be able to cry again like I once could, but I guess since I feel constant pain they can not come.  I wanna love my kids without being scared I will leave them damaged.  I wanna smile and every one of them be real!!  I wanna scream and get all the ugliness and bitterness and anger out of me, but how???? 

I do not even know where to start.  I do not want to be broken.  I do not wanna look at all mean like they have a secret and could use it to destroy me. I don’t wanna look at my boys and wonder if they have forgiven me or if they will ever love me the same again.

To feel excitement and love and happiness………what a gift that would be.  I want something to touch my soul again, bring me back to life a little.  How do I find it.  Is it in me because I have looked. 

Will God ever hear the screams of my heart?  Does he see how angry and scared I am?  I mean why would you allow me to get out of my bad marriage and I waited God.  I waited 5 years to try again.  I was happy.  lonely, but happy.  The way he smiled at me that night like he was the happiest man in the world to see me.  I thought I had found him.  I prayed for him.  I loved him with all of me.  And you sent him in my path….for what God.  More pain.  Did you know I would stick it out til I didn’t care if I lived or died?  Did you see me in the bathtub when I looked at my body covered with bruises and cried.  Did you see me when I blessed the house with blessed oil so no bad could enter.  Did you hear my cries for you?  Or was i all alone in this.  I know you give us free will, but tell me how to fix this.  It is time to let all of this go.  I have worked so hard to move past that life and make my life and myself better.  I am just unsure about my heart.  Will it ever heal.  Will I always feel a little sad inside?  Will I ever be able to truly love and trust and give all of me to another person?  Or will they always get the shell?  I guess only time will tell.  And one day God I will not be so angry and hopefully you will forgive me for being a bad daughter I guess.  Maybe all this will be something that rarely crosses my mind and a story I will never tell again, but never forget.

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Women, Sex, and Men

     So I have been talking to a few of my married friends and I hear the same thing over and over again.  She tells me “all he wants to do is have sex.”  He tells me “She never wants to have sex.”  So here are my answers for both sexes!!!!

Women do you actually think because you married a great man you can actually quit having sex with him?  I understand that after the babies come and all that it gets exhausting and you do not feel so pretty, but you women need to realize this is how men show affection, their love.  This is how they become one with you.  I know that you want to be treated like more than a piece of meat, but be happy that man still finds you sexy and desirable when you do not.  He needs to help out more!  Yes he does.  Even though I do hear a lot of men say they help out tons more than I would even expect.  Give both yourselves chores.  Take every other night with the baby.  Take turns driving kids to school, daycare, etc.  Make it work.  I believe three times a week for sex is an easily attainable goal.  Who cares if you will go to sleep 30 minutes later.  This could be saving your marriage.  See yourself through your husbands eyes.  You are beautiful and sexy to him.  If you do not satisfy your man he will look for other outlets and there will always be some woman ready to scoop up a good man.  I know we all believe that he should thank God he has you.  Trust me he does more than you know, but how about you thanking God you have him.  If he provides for his family, helps around the house, is a good daddy then he also does his fair share.  He is willing to stay up to be closer to you.  O and who cares that he doesn’t wanna go shopping with you and wants to lay in his chair and watch a game.  Is it going to kill you?  NO!!  Take your girlfriends shopping.  Let him relax if he has worked 60 hours that week.  He deserves to.  Leave his chores for him and you do yours.  You need a day to lay on the couch to watch chick flicks.  Ok then.  Take kids to mommies day out, one of the grandparents house, or have him have a daddy day.  Women do not only get to relax on Mothers day!  Do for him what you would want done for you and vice versa.  Do not get angry because it seems you are always the one folding laundry.  I am sure he is the one always fixing the car or mowing the lawn. So see both sides and do that always.

Men what is the matter with some of y’all????  You have to romance your wife make her feel beautiful.  Take her on dates.  If she says she is to tired bring dinner home, take the kids somewhere, and watch a movie.  Bring home what ever you both like to drink and relax with.  Rub her feet she will  rub yours in return.  Tell her how beautiful she looks and how you love her more today than yesterday.  Make her feel loved and treasured.  Do not say “hon, your ass looks bigger in those jeans”  that is not a compliment.  Nor do you need to mention if she has gained 5-50lbs!!  Still make her feel beautiful, but suggest a walk nightly so she can work off what is making her feel unattractive anymore.  Women need to feel beautiful and sexy to wanna get down and dirty.  You have to free their mind from the dishes the carpool whatever.  Adore her, gift her, love her.  That is all we want.  To be made to feel appreciated.  If this woman married you and gave you your child DO NOT for a second think she doesn’t deserve anything but the best.  She took your name and set aside herself to become one with you.  She let her body be deformed to give you both the most incredible miracle.  If you are too busy looking at tight asses and short skirts…you don’t need to be there anyway.  You will not raise your son to be a good man, you will teach your daughter that is ok for a man to do to her and you will dishonor your wife.  Treat her how you want to be treated and vice versa.

Both men and women need to be made to feel desirable and wanted.  Sex is good anyway you look at it.  Relaxes you, helps you sleep, brings you closer, and it FEELS good!!!

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