My sons are always saying go blog about it……..

My boys are always saying to someone “go blog about it” so I decided tonight that I would.  It has been awhile anyway and I want to get all this off my chest.  The last six months of my life have been some of the highest points and some of my lowest points.  Some where in all of these ups and downs I am not quite sure what I want anymore.  A few months ago I was so in love and so happy it was indescribable, but right now I sit here with my thoughts and my heart and search both for what I am really looking for in life.  You see nothing I do is ever good enough to me.  I became an LPN so what your not an RN.  I met a man that I knew when I met him he was the man I was going to marry.  Now all I am left with is pieces of my heart.  So it is time for me to do some realit checks amd real soul searching.  What have I discovered in the last 3 weeks?  That I remember what unbearable pain in your heart feels like.  The kind where you swear you will never put yourself out there again to feel this way.  There have been days where I have cried for hours and begged God to take away my pain because I didn’t want to feel it one more minute.  I really put myself out there this time.  No holds bars no walls nothing.  Then life kicked in.  I lost my job and the next week he lost his and Christmas was only a week or two away.  No realationship needs that extra stress.  Especially not a newly engaged relationship.  I worked agency here and there and he supposedly looked for a job.  Did you see that supposedly?  My insecurities that I had let go of snuck back into me.  You see the man I love so very much changed and this is why.  He had been at that job forever.  Since he was pretty much fresh out of high school.  He has no college degree no really valuable skill that he can take anywhere else and make the same amount of money he was making….so he went into a funk.  Now me being a silly woman understood the funk for a little bit and then the nagging feeling started sinking in….what if I am the reason he is miserable?  To me it was just a job he had his choice to do what he wanted.  The world was open to him.  He could find something he truly loved.  To him he was nothing.  His self confidence had already taken a huge blow from his former wife and I am sure from some of the women he dated prior to me.  Just when life was starting to look good for us both….we got double whammied.  My ego had also taken a blow, but I knew that I could find a job making the same or more and I wasn’t in harms way.  It would just be a rough month.  My logic is he should be happy he is marrying someone that earns a decent living where if he wanted to he could go back to college and just work part time.  Til this day I do not know why that was not enough for him.

Our days became like this…..I would find him sleeping on the couch.  For some reason this killed me.  He would wake up at 4 am and watch a movie or play video games or whatever and then fall back asleep.  I couldn’t let this go it just ate away at me.  Not because of him, but because of a prior guy that just used me, I felt those feelings coming back again.  He became less attentive, the I love yous didn’t come as much and the sex wasn’t happening much either.   In my head he was turning into every other shitty bastard from my past.  He was more than likely talking to some other girl getting his ego fed, regretting that he had ever ended up with me cuz look at us now, and was just using me for a place to live so he didn’t have to go to mommas house.  I found myself becoming jealous of every woman that entered our house.  I trusted no one and was insecure by everyone.  All of a sudden I was fat, ugly, disgusting, I was a nothing in my own eyes.  Did he do this to me?  No of course not.  He didn’t help it much either.  He had insecurities of his own and I am sure his monsters were eating at him the same way.  Everyday I felt like a broken record.  You see in this marriage we would have both acquired 2 step children.  I love those children without a doubt that is one of the hardest parts of this break up.  Trying to make 4 children happy all at once is no easy task, but suprisingly enough it really wasn’t to hard to mesh them all together.  They instantly became protective of one another and for the most part loved each other.  More than anything they were all grateful to have a happy home.  My boys happy for a good step-dad and his kids happy for a good step-mom.  Writing that is where I remember what an ass and a fool I am.  I finally got a great new job.  I mean better than we both could have hoped for.  I also happened to get this great news on some help with his ex wife who was trying to make his life hell.  I was so excited I couldn’t stand it.  As soon as I can I start calling him and I get no answer.  Again my feelings are crushed.  When I get home I find him asleep he had drank almost half a bottle of Nyquil and was out.  He wakes up to listen to me tell him about my job and say that’s great baby and falls back asleep.  I take myself to my bed sad and disappointed.  I tried to wake him up a few times to come to bed, but he never did.  Knowing I had to be at work the next day I laid up and thought and thought.  You see that is what kills everything in me…I overthink everything.  I am always so scared of getting hurt and not just getting hurt but being the person who looks like the fool I make up crazy what ifs in my head.  This night I do not remember what I thought, but I do know that I sent him a text saying something like remember all the dreams we had so on and so on we will get back there just have faith baby.  Eventually I went to sleep.  The next morning I wake up and know that I will be leaving for my new job in a few hours.  I am not sure what came over me, but I walked into the living room and noticed that he had put his phone on the charger…he had read my text…he never replied.  FOr some reason this was my last straw.  I thought about all the selfish things he had done in the time we had been together, things he did that were so unthoughtful and how unwanted and unloved I felt.  I woke him up and told him to get his shit and get out.  He ignored me the first time, but the second time with all the coldness I could muster he got up and started getting his stuff.  Is this the reaction I wanted? Of course not.  I wanted him to show me that he cared tell me he wanted to stay, but he didn’t.  Heres the pathetic funny part.  I just now realized I held all the cards in my hands.  The house was mine, I had a job on my own I would be fine eventually.  He had to go back to his mommas.  No job penniless and one of the people that he loved most and thought would never let him down the person he planned on spending the rest of his life with had just told him to get the fuck out.  Now do I know this is how he felt?  No, but after a few weeks of trying to see things through his eyes this is what I came to.  He needed time to grieve for the loss of his job.  I had already been through the same thing a few years earlier so I knew that everything was going to be ok.  He didn’t.  When I look back on how I handled it I fell apart for 6-8 weeks almost lost my home, my car and everything else.  He had lost some of his manhood which is really all he had left.  I don’t know why I didn’t see all this then.  Hind sight is 20/20.  In all honesty everyone I know will tell you that this is all on him it is his fault it didn’t work out.  I am not so sure about that anymore.  Really does it even matter?  I know that I have never felt so lost, devastated, and confused in my entire life.  I don’t know how he feels.  He has shut out everyone.  He just doesn’t talk and he won’t forgive me.  He says he isn’t angry at me, but we were very good friends almost family before this all began and some days he will make an effort to make small talk if he has to stop by, but he doesn’t go out of his way.  He doesn’t text, call or anything.  It is like I was never part of his life and that is where the confusion comes in for me.  I mean I never was just any other girl to him even before our relationship begun.  So how can he shut me out so easily?  How can he just let me go?  Its easy to sit here and say well he just never really loved me.  Maybe thats true maybe we jumped in too quick.  I will never know I guess.  No one can give me the answers not even him.

All that matters in this is that all together there were 5 kids seriously involved.  They are all hurting.  Trying not to take sides, but hating seeing either one of us in any pain.  Trying to keep their friendship normal, but not saying what they really want to say.  What they should say is you guys screwed up and let us down.  We were happy and if you would have payed attention to the big picture and not the little shit that didn’t matter!!!!

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