Counting On………………

     After my surgery, making up hours, and graduation my body has just been worn down.  I am sad most of the time, but of course you tell everyone how happy you are.  I mean there are very few people you can trust with your secrets and even fewer people you can depend on.  Everyone says they wanna help, but most tend to let you down.  Reason number 1 when people offer help I typically say no because I know my attitude will change when they make promises they can not keep.  People disappoint that is pretty much how it goes. No one can help me anyway right now because no one can possibly understand how I feel.  First, to find out not only that I lost one child, but two.  Then to find out I cannot have any more children.  O my heart breaks everyday.  Everytime the thought crosses my mind I cry.  I always wanted a beautiful little girl, but I would have been happy to have either.  Now that even the opportunity is taken from me breaks my heart.  Next, I went to school to have a better life, but with all the hospital crap and being sick and not being able to work and missing a few tourneys it totally screwed up my financial situation.  Now it freaks me out that in the course of two weeks I can lose everything I have worked so hard for over $600.  This is what I have worked hard for over the course of 13 years.  I have always been financially stable.  Maybe not the best credit, but we have never worried how we would eat, pay rent, or pay the electric bill.  I have always been able to support my family.  When I should feel like I have finally made it I feel like a huge failure.  I can’t believe 5 minutes of sex has screwed up everything and ruined my chance to have a family with another man.  Of course we can always have a mixed family which is just fine, but the chances for another baby and to do it right is over.  Over a lousy lay.  So as you can imagine I really have no desire to get out of bed until I can go back to work.  I have no desire to talk on phone really just not to function.  I let my lil boys down and that kills me.  I am grateful so very grateful for the help I have had along the way and I do have the greatest friends, but I just wish they got it.   I just want one month where I can rest and let my body heal and feel safe and unworried.  Lol…..I am sure many of us pray for that.  How selfish I am wanting it just for me.  I am so ready to go back to work so I can feel like I serve a purpose again, but I know I must wait until I test or at least have a test date.  So I would like just 2 weeks of rest and no worries everything paid and gas in the car.  Tires that don’t keep having flats.  LOL….I need a small miracle.

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