Forgotten Not Forgiven

     I am laying here tonight finally feeling some sort of peace.  I have so much to be thankful for and for some reason it is easily to forget.  Even though my heart is still somewhat sad, I think some things have really started to become clear.  I let myself fall in love.  I have had so much control over my heart for so long that this one just slipped in and instead of running from it I accepted it and let it happen.  I chose the wrong person to let myself do this with, but somewhere there is a lesson and a reason this happened.  Maybe God was showing me that I am not as in control as I like to think I am.  Maybe God was teaching him and I was his lesson.  I guess I will never know, but tonight I realized how ready I am to be married and let myself go with someone.  Let someone know the good, bad and ugly of me and love me know matter what.  I have been so angry with God for something I chose to do, but I believe God chose to humble me.  This past year has been the most humbling experience of my life.  It has been so hard and I have been at my lowest and most vulnerable.  I didn’t have a guard to put up and I actually had to ask for help and accept it.  God showed me that I am weak I am above no one.  No matter how hard I have tried not to judge people I always have and instead of just letting me know God taught me that everyone has weak moments, everyone makes life changing mistakes, you do not always get what you want because at the end of the day it is not truly what you want.  It is what you think you want.  This past year everything I thought I would never do(well not everything) I have done.  I have cried, I have pleaded, I have been on my knees begging for help, and I got it in a way I never thought I would.  I have watched life pass and a new life be born.  I have felt compassion to the very depth of my soul and I have felt rage and hatred to the very same level.  I have hugged people who I will never see again and I have cried for people who I do not even remember their name.  I have seen what aging does to a great mind and body.  I have seen a man who once had so much strength and spirit lay in a bed because he will never move anything but his head again and his family will not care for him.  I have seen almost every aspect of living there is it seems.  I have seen incredible love that has lasted a lifetime.  I have been more than blessed in these 13 months and instead of running from it for once; I embraced it without even realizing it.  In all of this I know that life is worth living and living to the fullest.  It is easy to run and try not to make mistakes.  It is easy not to feel because then you don’t feel the pain as well.  It is easy to check people off your life because that makes everything easier for you.  It is hard to mess up and admit it.  It is hard to love and let that person go because it isn’t whats right for anyone.  It is hard to forgive and forget because the pain may never completely go away.  It is hard to try and try and try until you get as close to your dreams as you possibly can.  Yes it is easy to walk through life and well pretty much wait to die.  It is hard to tell death you are gonna have to catch my ass cause I am riding this wave for all its worth!

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