Part 2: The Cost of Being a Woman

   I was hoping I had good news to share, but only bad.  I found out last night that I lost the baby.  Last night and half of today I was a mess.  Today I have come more to peace with it.  Well everytime I think about it I start to tear up, but I am not sobbing uncontrollably anymore.  So I did the right thing and talked to the dad.  The dad who wanted a child so bad, but never called to see how I was.  I truly believe that there may be some good men out there, but I do not think I will ever find what I am looking for.  This man I did care for and I guess being pregnant for 6 weeks and not knowing why I was acting crazy messed it up, but it is funny how people show their true sides later on after everything quits being so fun.  Anyway……….everytime I look at this situation it is like a big slap in the face.  I had two long term relationships where I never used anything.  I wanted a baby and they didn’t care enough to slip on a condom so be it.  Not one time in 7 years did I get pregnant.  One of the guys has had close to a baseball team since.  SO after a surgery that I had where they removed a tube and an ovary and troubled pregnancies, I really did not think it was possible for me to get pregnant.  This year I was on the fence to try or to let it go.  I had finally ended up on the side to let it go and then I end up pegnant.  After I have told my kids, close friends, and family I start having a small amount of spotting, but the pain.  The pain would not stop.  So last night I had to go and have my HCG levels rechecked.  They had dropped which meant baby was not viable for life or dead.  Anyway…after me crying like a crazy person and my 12 year old holding me saying it will be ok, they rn a battery of test because I was not heavily bleeding or passing anything.  Finally at about 130 am we arrive home and I have to get up for school in 4 hours.  I cry myself to sleep get up take the test I have to take and get the hell outta there.  After taking a nap i go to the bathroom and all has begun.  So no baby for sure(I could always hope that docs were wrong).  I screamed at God for a little while because why do this to me?  I do not understand and I pretty much wana throw in the towel with a month of Nursing school left.  I have a huge bill Wednesday that has to be paid.  WIth all the rain and problems I had last week I have barely worked.  Rent is about to be due and I honestly can not handle much more.

     Everyone wants to tell me how strong I am and always have been and they are right, but that is over at this point.  My boys birthdays are both coming up and I feel helpless and alone.  Everyone wants to say your not alone, but I am laying here alone grieving the loss of my child that I had aleady picked out names for.  I will pay the hospital bills cuz o boy couldn’t wait for me to tell him to lose my number.  I am sure he had no intentions of helping or contributing to this baby.  Which would have been fine after school I will need the help of no one.  What I don’t get?  I am one laying here crying, typing for whoever cares to see, feeling like my guts are being yanked out.  Yes this is extremely painful.  He has not lost any days of work, sleep, or gathered about 1500 in hospital bills.  i do not like him one bit.  To me he is the lowest creature on earth.  You know he could have called me and told me he had kidney stones and I would have ran to his side for know other reason than I am that good of a friend and no1 should be alone when they are suffering.  I guess reality is you are alone when you are in pain.  i really only want my kids around and then again I do not want tem to see me like this.  I dont know.  As of rigt now i feel like my entire world has crumbled apart.  So I am jsut going to focus on coming up with 180 bucks by Wednesday and trying to enjoy my birthday Friday.  My main focus is going back on school and God willing I haven’t screwed my grades beyond repair.  I just can not believe I let this happen to me and the two people that should have cared and checked on me were the two that never called.  LOL….guess you get humbled in some way everyday in your life.  I need a credit card.  That way I can pay all the crap I need to pay and go by myself something pretty!! lol…..Thank you es husband for making sure you ruined what you could of mine!!!!!

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