At My Wits End………

 You know the moment you realize you’re in love and you smile for no reason and say those silly words “No! I love you more.”  The only place you wanna be is in his arms where its warm and delicious and you feel safe and you hate knowing that reality will come swooping in and take you away from each other?  That is where I am.  And then I am also in he will break your heart, you’re not good enough for him, maybe he is some sicko with a past and you will be his next victim.  And I should just focus on my self and my family, but I really want him there too and he says he wants to be a part of it, but does he really?  Maybe he has a wife in every state….all kinds of babies and I won’t find out until I am head over heels and then I will be a stupid woman and want to fight for this man who has done nothing but lie and break my heart.  That is where one side of my head has been for the past week.

The other side of my head?  WTF did I go back to school.  Because I was lost in life? still am.  Because I needed a better job? still do.  Because I wanted to go half nuts?  ding ding ding we hae a winner.  I mean I have been a single mom forever and have always stressed about paying my bills, but now I am at desperate level of stressing about bills.  You know when you think of whoring yourself out on Craig’s List, but I really do not know going rate for a blow job and my luck I would get arrested first try to then kiss my soon to be Nursing License good-bye.  Honestly, if I don’t get everything figured out soon I will be living in my car….not to bad for me but for the kids…the trunk is not much of a place for sleepover.  I would love to say I honestly have somewhere to go, but not really.  I could go to a friends, but not without the risk of us killing each other and all my friends are married.  My mom is out of the option because I can come kids must stay at their dads.  I know its jacked up, but o well.  Add food, gas, elec, toll, and everything else and I would like to drive my car off a revine, but i can not afford life insurance to leave my babies so life is my only option at this point.  So I am sure it will all work out.  Hopefully I will lose 15 lbs on the way to discovery because I am so nervous and stressed right now that if I try to put anything in my mouth I wanna vomit. 

   So I said I am in love…yes I really am.  He is beautiful, smart, strong, warm….pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I freaked at the thought of it when it entered my heart and panicked and now I think I am good with it.  Who knows what will happen.  I would say well this is my life I know exactly what is going to happen, but I actually want this to work.  I miss his arms when I am not laying in them.  I miss him so I guess I will ride this one out.  And here the kink is thrown.

     So tonight I get a phone call from my ex boyfriends mother.  Long story…we dated he is a quadriplegic and I just could not sacrifice my life for someone who I would be constantly caring for.  Sound selfish.  Yes I know, but it is harder than what ya would think.  Anyway I got a call from him last week.  He was goin to hospital has a wound with MRSA in it.  I went to see him after clinicals the next day.  I know he loves me and wants to be back together….you can tell he loves you just by looking at him.  You never wonder, but he deserves to be loved that way back and there were other reasons besides the big one I gave.  Anyway I have known him since I was 12 years old.  So his mother calls and he is now in ICU.  A little bitty problem turned into a HUGE problem and they almost lost him.  Yes I am going back to see him.  He is my friend and I will always be his friend.  As much as I wanna tell him I am in love and happy I so do not wanna hurt him, but I do not want him to think that this is more than a friend stopping by.  God bless him.  He is a good man and deserves the best ever.  It is not fair that someone so gorgeous, full of life, and kind loss complete feeling of their body at the age of 17, but to be going through this at 35 just kills my heart.  I wish and pray for him everything his heart desires besides me. 

   Here is my selfish shitty part:  Can I not have a good fucking day without the world counteracting it with bad?  Can I not just fall in love with confidence and beauty and know that hey this one is gonna do the work he is the one that will be there when the dust settles.  I mean when does kindness take a backseat to me?  I know it sounds ugly, but I am tired and I am really tired of everyone elses problems,  I do not feel like saving your marriage tonight!  I couldn’t save my own.  Your moms sick, mines fucking crazy.   Your car insurance is due. Ha at least you have it!!  Aw poor girl your nail chipped:( grow the fuck up.  Be thankful you have 30 bucks to get em done.  I know how mean I sound I don’t care.  I am sick of bein everyone’s rock!  When I need one they all flake.  So here is my I don’t give a fuck!!!  It is my turn to lean on someone.  Someone who can save me….if that even exist!

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