I can tell you some of the things that make up me. I am a mother, I am a student, I am a daughter, I am a sister. These are just different titles. No where in those do I find myself. I love my kids they are my world, but they are not me nor am I them. We all three will have different paths to follow. I have to find where mine goes.
I know one day I would like to be in love again. You know that kind that starts with butterflies in your belly and grows to more? Someone to be your team mate to be on your side when no one else is, but not just anyone will do. I wanna feel the love….see the smile on my face. I wanna be taken care of held, adored, protected, all of it!!! I just do not know how to get past the pain from years earlier that reeks havoc in my soul. God I loved this man. He was 1/3 of my world. Nothing to special about him, but I loved him. He killed everything in me he could. A little each day. We became pregnant. He wasn’t ready for a child so we chose to abort it. I know this sounds awful, but smartest thing I have ever done. This man abused me to no ends. Punched me while driving, pouring Dr. Pepper with cigs in it over top of my head, he banged my head on every part of that apartment we shared. This is just a small example. I am not one of those whiney girls and yes I do not know when I will ever forgive myself for allowing a monster in my house. I do not know if I will ever forgive God either. I deserved better than that then. My heart is no longer trust worthy to me because it allowed me to love someone who tortured me. Someone who apparently hated me so much, but would not let me go.
Not all was bad. In the beginning he loved me with so much excitement and awe for me that I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive. Even after the first few times, I knew better, but he said it was my fault, or I was trying to kick him out of his home. I don’t remember anymore. I don’t know why I did that for so long. What makes it worse to me…he has moved on…he has the same crazy life from girl to girl, but me…i am tainted, destroyed, dead on the inside. I do not feel in the same way I use to. Somedays it will show itself (my heart) then my brain must whisper no not again. Shes not ready. Now I am just sooo pissed because I am ready. No one had the right to take any of who I am away. To kill my soul, my happiness, my trust in humanity, my longing for my true love. I don’t know how to get any of this back. I would like to be able to cry again like I once could, but I guess since I feel constant pain they can not come. I wanna love my kids without being scared I will leave them damaged. I wanna smile and every one of them be real!! I wanna scream and get all the ugliness and bitterness and anger out of me, but how????
I do not even know where to start. I do not want to be broken. I do not wanna look at all mean like they have a secret and could use it to destroy me. I don’t wanna look at my boys and wonder if they have forgiven me or if they will ever love me the same again.
To feel excitement and love and happiness………what a gift that would be. I want something to touch my soul again, bring me back to life a little. How do I find it. Is it in me because I have looked.
Will God ever hear the screams of my heart? Does he see how angry and scared I am? I mean why would you allow me to get out of my bad marriage and I waited God. I waited 5 years to try again. I was happy. lonely, but happy. The way he smiled at me that night like he was the happiest man in the world to see me. I thought I had found him. I prayed for him. I loved him with all of me. And you sent him in my path….for what God. More pain. Did you know I would stick it out til I didn’t care if I lived or died? Did you see me in the bathtub when I looked at my body covered with bruises and cried. Did you see me when I blessed the house with blessed oil so no bad could enter. Did you hear my cries for you? Or was i all alone in this. I know you give us free will, but tell me how to fix this. It is time to let all of this go. I have worked so hard to move past that life and make my life and myself better. I am just unsure about my heart. Will it ever heal. Will I always feel a little sad inside? Will I ever be able to truly love and trust and give all of me to another person? Or will they always get the shell? I guess only time will tell. And one day God I will not be so angry and hopefully you will forgive me for being a bad daughter I guess. Maybe all this will be something that rarely crosses my mind and a story I will never tell again, but never forget.