The last week has hit me like a ton of bricks, but tonight and last night really hit home. Yes I had my heart broken, but I half way did it to myself. Last night I realized how much the children we brought into this are also heartbroken and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better for them. Last night I kept the lil girl that should be my step daughter. She crawled up in the couch next to me and held on for dear life. I wept because I saw the pain and confusion we have caused them all. All babies I love dearly and I would die for and I was a big part in causing them pain. His family is already my family. His nephew my sons bff. His sister and mom 2 of my bffs. No matter what we are tied together. Tonight his mom had to go to the hospital and I went to pick up the lil boy I consider my third son so he could take his mom to hospital. He may never forgive me he may never come back but reguardless we are tied as family. His daughter needs me and I need her too. My son needs him and I want my son to have him. I love them all and honestly if I have to let him go that is Gods plan. And God has greater things planned for us both. But I will hold onto the family I had already found. I will be there for his kids and I will be there for him. My heart may not heal back to perfect but it will always be filled with an abundance of love!
My boys are always saying to someone “go blog about it” so I decided tonight that I would. It has been awhile anyway and I want to get all this off my chest. The last six months of my life have been some of the highest points and some of my lowest points. Some where in all of these ups and downs I am not quite sure what I want anymore. A few months ago I was so in love and so happy it was indescribable, but right now I sit here with my thoughts and my heart and search both for what I am really looking for in life. You see nothing I do is ever good enough to me. I became an LPN so what your not an RN. I met a man that I knew when I met him he was the man I was going to marry. Now all I am left with is pieces of my heart. So it is time for me to do some realit checks amd real soul searching. What have I discovered in the last 3 weeks? That I remember what unbearable pain in your heart feels like. The kind where you swear you will never put yourself out there again to feel this way. There have been days where I have cried for hours and begged God to take away my pain because I didn’t want to feel it one more minute. I really put myself out there this time. No holds bars no walls nothing. Then life kicked in. I lost my job and the next week he lost his and Christmas was only a week or two away. No realationship needs that extra stress. Especially not a newly engaged relationship. I worked agency here and there and he supposedly looked for a job. Did you see that supposedly? My insecurities that I had let go of snuck back into me. You see the man I love so very much changed and this is why. He had been at that job forever. Since he was pretty much fresh out of high school. He has no college degree no really valuable skill that he can take anywhere else and make the same amount of money he was making….so he went into a funk. Now me being a silly woman understood the funk for a little bit and then the nagging feeling started sinking in….what if I am the reason he is miserable? To me it was just a job he had his choice to do what he wanted. The world was open to him. He could find something he truly loved. To him he was nothing. His self confidence had already taken a huge blow from his former wife and I am sure from some of the women he dated prior to me. Just when life was starting to look good for us both….we got double whammied. My ego had also taken a blow, but I knew that I could find a job making the same or more and I wasn’t in harms way. It would just be a rough month. My logic is he should be happy he is marrying someone that earns a decent living where if he wanted to he could go back to college and just work part time. Til this day I do not know why that was not enough for him.
Our days became like this…..I would find him sleeping on the couch. For some reason this killed me. He would wake up at 4 am and watch a movie or play video games or whatever and then fall back asleep. I couldn’t let this go it just ate away at me. Not because of him, but because of a prior guy that just used me, I felt those feelings coming back again. He became less attentive, the I love yous didn’t come as much and the sex wasn’t happening much either. In my head he was turning into every other shitty bastard from my past. He was more than likely talking to some other girl getting his ego fed, regretting that he had ever ended up with me cuz look at us now, and was just using me for a place to live so he didn’t have to go to mommas house. I found myself becoming jealous of every woman that entered our house. I trusted no one and was insecure by everyone. All of a sudden I was fat, ugly, disgusting, I was a nothing in my own eyes. Did he do this to me? No of course not. He didn’t help it much either. He had insecurities of his own and I am sure his monsters were eating at him the same way. Everyday I felt like a broken record. You see in this marriage we would have both acquired 2 step children. I love those children without a doubt that is one of the hardest parts of this break up. Trying to make 4 children happy all at once is no easy task, but suprisingly enough it really wasn’t to hard to mesh them all together. They instantly became protective of one another and for the most part loved each other. More than anything they were all grateful to have a happy home. My boys happy for a good step-dad and his kids happy for a good step-mom. Writing that is where I remember what an ass and a fool I am. I finally got a great new job. I mean better than we both could have hoped for. I also happened to get this great news on some help with his ex wife who was trying to make his life hell. I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. As soon as I can I start calling him and I get no answer. Again my feelings are crushed. When I get home I find him asleep he had drank almost half a bottle of Nyquil and was out. He wakes up to listen to me tell him about my job and say that’s great baby and falls back asleep. I take myself to my bed sad and disappointed. I tried to wake him up a few times to come to bed, but he never did. Knowing I had to be at work the next day I laid up and thought and thought. You see that is what kills everything in me…I overthink everything. I am always so scared of getting hurt and not just getting hurt but being the person who looks like the fool I make up crazy what ifs in my head. This night I do not remember what I thought, but I do know that I sent him a text saying something like remember all the dreams we had so on and so on we will get back there just have faith baby. Eventually I went to sleep. The next morning I wake up and know that I will be leaving for my new job in a few hours. I am not sure what came over me, but I walked into the living room and noticed that he had put his phone on the charger…he had read my text…he never replied. FOr some reason this was my last straw. I thought about all the selfish things he had done in the time we had been together, things he did that were so unthoughtful and how unwanted and unloved I felt. I woke him up and told him to get his shit and get out. He ignored me the first time, but the second time with all the coldness I could muster he got up and started getting his stuff. Is this the reaction I wanted? Of course not. I wanted him to show me that he cared tell me he wanted to stay, but he didn’t. Heres the pathetic funny part. I just now realized I held all the cards in my hands. The house was mine, I had a job on my own I would be fine eventually. He had to go back to his mommas. No job penniless and one of the people that he loved most and thought would never let him down the person he planned on spending the rest of his life with had just told him to get the fuck out. Now do I know this is how he felt? No, but after a few weeks of trying to see things through his eyes this is what I came to. He needed time to grieve for the loss of his job. I had already been through the same thing a few years earlier so I knew that everything was going to be ok. He didn’t. When I look back on how I handled it I fell apart for 6-8 weeks almost lost my home, my car and everything else. He had lost some of his manhood which is really all he had left. I don’t know why I didn’t see all this then. Hind sight is 20/20. In all honesty everyone I know will tell you that this is all on him it is his fault it didn’t work out. I am not so sure about that anymore. Really does it even matter? I know that I have never felt so lost, devastated, and confused in my entire life. I don’t know how he feels. He has shut out everyone. He just doesn’t talk and he won’t forgive me. He says he isn’t angry at me, but we were very good friends almost family before this all began and some days he will make an effort to make small talk if he has to stop by, but he doesn’t go out of his way. He doesn’t text, call or anything. It is like I was never part of his life and that is where the confusion comes in for me. I mean I never was just any other girl to him even before our relationship begun. So how can he shut me out so easily? How can he just let me go? Its easy to sit here and say well he just never really loved me. Maybe thats true maybe we jumped in too quick. I will never know I guess. No one can give me the answers not even him.
All that matters in this is that all together there were 5 kids seriously involved. They are all hurting. Trying not to take sides, but hating seeing either one of us in any pain. Trying to keep their friendship normal, but not saying what they really want to say. What they should say is you guys screwed up and let us down. We were happy and if you would have payed attention to the big picture and not the little shit that didn’t matter!!!!
After my surgery, making up hours, and graduation my body has just been worn down. I am sad most of the time, but of course you tell everyone how happy you are. I mean there are very few people you can trust with your secrets and even fewer people you can depend on. Everyone says they wanna help, but most tend to let you down. Reason number 1 when people offer help I typically say no because I know my attitude will change when they make promises they can not keep. People disappoint that is pretty much how it goes. No one can help me anyway right now because no one can possibly understand how I feel. First, to find out not only that I lost one child, but two. Then to find out I cannot have any more children. O my heart breaks everyday. Everytime the thought crosses my mind I cry. I always wanted a beautiful little girl, but I would have been happy to have either. Now that even the opportunity is taken from me breaks my heart. Next, I went to school to have a better life, but with all the hospital crap and being sick and not being able to work and missing a few tourneys it totally screwed up my financial situation. Now it freaks me out that in the course of two weeks I can lose everything I have worked so hard for over $600. This is what I have worked hard for over the course of 13 years. I have always been financially stable. Maybe not the best credit, but we have never worried how we would eat, pay rent, or pay the electric bill. I have always been able to support my family. When I should feel like I have finally made it I feel like a huge failure. I can’t believe 5 minutes of sex has screwed up everything and ruined my chance to have a family with another man. Of course we can always have a mixed family which is just fine, but the chances for another baby and to do it right is over. Over a lousy lay. So as you can imagine I really have no desire to get out of bed until I can go back to work. I have no desire to talk on phone really just not to function. I let my lil boys down and that kills me. I am grateful so very grateful for the help I have had along the way and I do have the greatest friends, but I just wish they got it. I just want one month where I can rest and let my body heal and feel safe and unworried. Lol…..I am sure many of us pray for that. How selfish I am wanting it just for me. I am so ready to go back to work so I can feel like I serve a purpose again, but I know I must wait until I test or at least have a test date. So I would like just 2 weeks of rest and no worries everything paid and gas in the car. Tires that don’t keep having flats. LOL….I need a small miracle.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
A friend sent this Bible verse to me today. What a great verse to read after the time I have been having. Of course being the person that I am I of course thought about it some read some text messages and thought about what most of my friends are really afraid of and then that lead me to what really we all must be afraid of: loneliness.
What do you do to fend your lonely feelings off? Call a friend? Text a love that you know you screwed up with and hope they forgive you? Spend time with someone you know you will never care for just to have your mind occupied or may your bed?
Who knows what the best answer is for this. I for one have too much pride, but there are times I will swallow it for someone I feel I really screwed up with. I will text and email and then give up because I refuse to beg. I assume if you have to beg they really do not want you anyway.
Will I spend time with someone I do not think I can care for? Once maybe twice, but after that no. There is no point in wasting their time or mine. I may never find the person that makes my heart sing, but why settle for the one who doesn’t give you butterflies? Is loneliness that horrible? Somedays I know it is unbearable. You wanna come home and feel safe and get to share your day, your thoughts, yourself and the only person there to listen is well no one.
Sharing my bed with someone……hmmm….well I am no saint. I have shared my bed with others that who knows if I would have ever cared for. That was a long time ago though when I was young and trying to figure out sex after my husband had left me. Then one day I realized that sex with someone you don’t love is just that sex and for a woman who is not enough. Maybe you will get off and get the ah feeling for a minute more than likely not. It is nothing like having someone look in your eyes the entire time and the moment it feels like your two bodies become one.
So our fears with loneliness are like this to me and for those of you that care to read maybe some answers for you………settling because you are afraid you will not meet someone who feels your every want is lazy. You never know who the person is gong to be that makes your heart sing. You have to keep an open mind and an open heart. The person that feels your life with joy may be the opposite of what you wanted, but exactly what you needed. Take the time you have to get to know yourself, do things that you love or figure out what you love, and enjoy your friends. Embrace the lonely times and seek out God or whatever you believe in. Trust me in times of need I am on my knees, but I wish I was on my knees getting to know my creator more often in those small times of need when I let my heart feel pain and why not me.
“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” Barbara De Angelis
My fave quote ever and boy have I forgot it lately. My truth! I am terrified of letting myself just be with anyone so I forget to live. What I believe? I believe that somewhere God is there. I know I get mad at him, but really it is myself. I believe he is in every breath I take and every decision I make. Even the bad ones that make my stomach hurt, but i wana do it anyway. I believe I will never love someonw as much as I love my two boys. I believe my friends are more my family than my family is. I believe I am gonna ge just fine no matter what circumstances I know my heart and soul and I know what I am made of even when I forget.
We take so much for granted everyday. The air we breath. The cars we drive. The roof over our head. The shoes on our feet. The people we have. The people we once had. Everything. We tend to forget about the guy or family that we always see walking bringing home their groceries. The man sitting outside the store at night that has nowhere to go and no feed in his tummy. The girl behind you in the line at Wal Mart that is counting change hoping she has enough for her babies formula.
Remember to give and to love with all you have. We are not promised tomorrow. How much is it gonna hurt you to give the guy begging for change your pocket change? Who cares that he should have a job like you do. You don’t know his life. You have not taken a second to ask him his life. Tip your tired waitress better. If you can afford the dinner she just served you you can afford to leave an extra couple dollars. Be kind to the person that works at McDonalds you may be there one day.
Treat everyone with kindness and love. Help where you ca and give the hug when someone needs it. This does nothing, but make your soul happier and your heart lighter. Hug your babies extra tight and tell them how wonderful and beautiful they are everyday. Hold on to your loved ones and tell them what they mean to you everyday. Take time with your spouse. Turn off the TV and talk. Be grateful you have someone everyday to come home to. Forgive and forget no matter how hard it is and hiw much it hurts. Hate and anger is a wasted emotion noone cares about but you!
I am laying here tonight finally feeling some sort of peace. I have so much to be thankful for and for some reason it is easily to forget. Even though my heart is still somewhat sad, I think some things have really started to become clear. I let myself fall in love. I have had so much control over my heart for so long that this one just slipped in and instead of running from it I accepted it and let it happen. I chose the wrong person to let myself do this with, but somewhere there is a lesson and a reason this happened. Maybe God was showing me that I am not as in control as I like to think I am. Maybe God was teaching him and I was his lesson. I guess I will never know, but tonight I realized how ready I am to be married and let myself go with someone. Let someone know the good, bad and ugly of me and love me know matter what. I have been so angry with God for something I chose to do, but I believe God chose to humble me. This past year has been the most humbling experience of my life. It has been so hard and I have been at my lowest and most vulnerable. I didn’t have a guard to put up and I actually had to ask for help and accept it. God showed me that I am weak I am above no one. No matter how hard I have tried not to judge people I always have and instead of just letting me know God taught me that everyone has weak moments, everyone makes life changing mistakes, you do not always get what you want because at the end of the day it is not truly what you want. It is what you think you want. This past year everything I thought I would never do(well not everything) I have done. I have cried, I have pleaded, I have been on my knees begging for help, and I got it in a way I never thought I would. I have watched life pass and a new life be born. I have felt compassion to the very depth of my soul and I have felt rage and hatred to the very same level. I have hugged people who I will never see again and I have cried for people who I do not even remember their name. I have seen what aging does to a great mind and body. I have seen a man who once had so much strength and spirit lay in a bed because he will never move anything but his head again and his family will not care for him. I have seen almost every aspect of living there is it seems. I have seen incredible love that has lasted a lifetime. I have been more than blessed in these 13 months and instead of running from it for once; I embraced it without even realizing it. In all of this I know that life is worth living and living to the fullest. It is easy to run and try not to make mistakes. It is easy not to feel because then you don’t feel the pain as well. It is easy to check people off your life because that makes everything easier for you. It is hard to mess up and admit it. It is hard to love and let that person go because it isn’t whats right for anyone. It is hard to forgive and forget because the pain may never completely go away. It is hard to try and try and try until you get as close to your dreams as you possibly can. Yes it is easy to walk through life and well pretty much wait to die. It is hard to tell death you are gonna have to catch my ass cause I am riding this wave for all its worth!
Tonight I feel like I am the most alone person in the world. I told the only other possible guy that could have been the father that I lost the baby and he said he had heard. Then had ro calll from his work line so it woud not be on his cell record. I have so much hatred for him right now I do not even know what I would do. “maybe it is for the best” is all he could say. Maybe it is. Why is my heart broken by somone I should have never wanted to begin with? Someone that is just suppose to be a good time. I cried to him like you would someone you trust and care for and he just said he was sorry. My heart sure doesn’t know what it is doing sometimes.